I have been remiss, but my beard has not.

Can a beard even be remiss?  That's a philosophical debate, one likely best solved by a session around a hookah and much contemplation.

I don't have time for contemplation at the moment, so the answer will be delayed.

While pondering beards and the men that wear them, I think I had an epiphany: the reason that our Presidents suck lately is because none of them have beards.

Think about it.  Beards make men awesome.  Our Presidents lately have not been awesome.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Look at Rutherford B. Hayes.  This guy was a pimp, if only because of his beard:

If this guy ran for President today, I'd vote for him solely on account of his facial hair.  And his 3-piece suit.  That's important to note, too.

You know who didn't have a beard?  FDR.  FUCK FDR.

That guy was a cockbag.  And he didn't have facial hair.  See the pattern here?  Of course you do.

On that note, I think that means I need to write myself in on the ballot this November.  None of our elected officials are man enough to wear a sweet beard.  I shall show them the light.  In fact, there's a little known Constitutional clause that absolves me of the age requirement.  It states:
    "Should any man under the age of 35 desire to run for the office of President of the United States of America, the age requirement shall be waived if his manly beard shows verisimilitude beyond his age.  The wisest of all men grow beards, and desire not public office, but it is occasionally foisted upon those whom desire it least."

Can't argue with that - it's on the internet now, so it must be true.

And my beard shows wisdom beyond my years.

Public office terrifies me, hence the face. 

I really should turn the beard into Lemmy style chops when the year is over.  I'd be assured the office at that point.

-Nick